Two and a half years ago I made a record in LA. I spent most of time there writing & recording music but I also, (always) spent my mornings writing in my journal. I did a lot of journaling throughout the day as well as the studio seems to permit an uncomfortable amount of downtime. I took that quiet and filled it with thoughtful words and thoughtless emotions and then I forgot my journal in LA. Instead of having it mailed back to Canada I decided that I would wait until my return to read it and write in it again. So here I am, 900 days away from my first trip and 5 days until my next. Who was the girl that met LA? Who is the girl that is going back? Keep you posted, beautiful people. xoxoxo
My first plane ride was to Toronto to compete on Popstars: The One. I was 16 and utterly petrified. I boarded the plane alone, saying a weepy and extra long goodbye to my Dad and setting out to win this contest I couldn’t believe I had been chosen for. I competed for a total of 9 months, flying back and forth between T.O. and home while still trying to survive High School. I don’t usually talk about this. 10 years later I’m finally going back to these memories and finding great pride rather than embarrassment, (imagine the dumb shit you said when you were 17 was captured!). The moral of this story for me is that whatever I’ve lived is good enough. Whatever has happened was correct. Whatever will happen will be the best. I don’t know if I truly believe this right now but I sure want to. Maybe that can be enough.
PS: jocelyn and lisa are LIVE tonight at Wine Oh’s. 9PM. xoxoxo
Suddenly I am shocked to realize that if these two magnificent human beings will stand beside me on stage, and write songs with me in their living rooms, and crack beers with me in the afternoon, and tell me when I’m being a dink, and love me when I don’t deserve it, I must be doing something right. I forgot for a while that all I need is to think about what I want rather than what I think I can’t do. If I could do anything, (which, I mean, in my imagination I do all the time), then what would I do and why? I’m excited. Lisa Jacobs is my musical partner and Amy Hef is my musical friend. We could go anywhere, and we could go nowhere and it will be all good and good for all. Ya. I’m excited.
It has been exactly 24 hours since jocelyn & lisa hit the stage for our first CD release. I attempted to write this blog this morning but it hadn’t quite sunk yet. Not only do I get to play in a band with someone I love dearly, I also get to play for people I really love too. It has been a long journey for me musically and without the support of all of you that attended last night, have been to a show before, or just support me in all the ways that I need I would have never been able to stand as strongly and softly as you allow me to on and off the stage. My words don’t come to me as easily as my songs so the only thing I can think to do to thank each and everyone of you is to continue creating. So, thank you. And create we will. Create and create and create. (Photo courtesy of Lauren Brooke Sanchez).
LOVE THE LOVE. xo
PS: What do you guys think of the new album!??
I am happy. How could you not be after spending time in Saskatchewan? These people invited us into their homes and hearts as if we were their own and I felt like I saw these places from a local’s eye. Thank you for the meals, beds, songs & laughs. Lisa and I are so excited to be home and so excited to hit the road again. We have plans for BC, Toronto, Montreal, LA, San Fran & more Sask.. Stay tuned and stay amazing!!
“You feel like Sunday morning and I don’t wanna get up”. From our new song -Nicotine- (Hear it this Monday with the boys from the Sask tour. Ironwood. 8pm).
I am sitting at my keyboard. It’s the same place I’ve been for the last 4 hours, and frankly, the last 4 days. I am afraid. I am sad. I am not really singing. I am just sitting, wondering if I will ever write a good song again. Wondering why I wonder this every time I sit down to write. I have probably written over 100. I have probably written a handful of good, honest ones, where every word, every note, every space speaks something. Sometimes its easy, and sometimes its like luring a wild lion using yourself as bait.
So… I will throw myself in the lions den again today. I will gently coax this Chorus like I would the lion, asking it nicely to be good and honest and original, and if this Chorus doesn’t listen I will not will it into being what I want. I will wait until it’s ready..
I will wait, and wait and wait…
“You feel like Sunday Morning and I don’t wanna get up” -New Jam, (unfinished!!)
Surrounding yourself with big, powerful people is terrifying. Lisa is my musical hero. I just spent 3 days in the studio with her working on our new EP and let me tell you, she’s even more brilliant than I could have imagined. In the last 2 months I have been gone, drowning, wondering when and if I would return. Lisa waited. Lisa believed. Lisa found me. Lisa let me find myself. It wasn’t easy for her, (I can be QUITE the train wreck), but grace is a funny thing. Because of her own darkness she was able to let me sit in mine. Big, powerful people are scary, but oh so necessary for me. My words scream to leave me be, but my body quietly whispers, “Could you forget how much of an asshole I am now and remember how kind I was then?”. That’s the thing about power, my definition of that word consists of honesty, compassion and a whole lot of tough/easy love. Without these kinds of people I wouldn’t grow, I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t know myself like I do in this moment. Although I’m constantly learning things that I would prefer to not know, I am learning, and if this is what my life consist of I will die proud.
“Hey Preacher, preacher, preacher man, come teach what you can. Hey Preacher, preacher, preacher man don’t scold me when I’m bad” -Preach- (from the new EP)
Isn’t it amazing how one little interaction with someone changes you? I have spent my summer mostly alone, which is a new and welcomed change for me. In the midst of the chosen loneliness I can still feel my people rallied around me in spirit as if they knew that I couldn’t really do it alone. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the space I needed to get to know myself again. I am not sure why you’re all here but I could not survive without you. I may never meet you all, I may never get the chance to have a conversation with each of you about how we’ve affected one another, but I can always feel it. Lisa and I sat down and wrote a new song a few days ago. I have been writing a lot of shit lately. I’ve been swimming in denial and drowning in doubt and finally… I grabbed on to a little bravery for longer than a few seconds and out popped a new gem. I finally realized that it’s not about being the best version of yourself all of the time. For me, its about being ok with being Broken. I feel broken but I’m still alive. I let a stranger in for a the first time a while and he was so steadily on this path that it pushed me back onto mine. Where did I go? Who knows. Who cares. All that I care about is that I came back. Thank you, strangers of the world. I may not know you but I can feel you.
“I lied, I’m not doing alright
I might cry as soon as you say goodbye
Why can’t I show this?
Brokenenss I fight to rid”
(From the new song “I Lied” written with Lisa Jacobs)
In the beginning of my gigging days I played in a band called “End Of Oz”. 7 years ago I would hang in the this quaint basement with terrible acoustics and a lot of heart and I would sing. I was birthed as a songwriter and the fear of telling my story was quickly diminished by the knowingness that I had found my calling. I wrote bad songs, I wrote ok songs, I played a lot of empty rooms and I honed. It’s nights like tonight that allow me to see my growth as an artist and a writer in a way that I so easily forget. 100 people came to see Lisa and I last night at Wine Oh’s. Some of you I knew and some of you knew me but none of that mattered. I understood in the many moments I’ll hold on to from last night that it took me 7 years of hard, hard, hard work to get to this moment and it was so, so so worth it. My Dad danced. My brothers sang. My people united into a family of strangers and I will never forget it. I hope to one day play bigger stages, but its nights like these; people like you that make me believe. Thank you. PS: Sorry I cried… On stage… Again……. (Not sorry at all, actually. Everyone knows I love a good cry.).
I am writing when I don’t feel inspiring. I am being social when I feel shy. I am creating when I don’t feel creative. I am cleaning when I feel dirty. I am asking for help when I feel proud. I am crying when I’m happy. I am smiling while I cry….. The truth isn’t true, though. As much as today I feel ashamed, and guilty and all alone, I will not be. I will just hope for more, I will hope to believe in more, and maybe, just maybe, there will be one day… Or maybe I will just need less. Maybe today is just enough in it’s flawed and fleeting nature. Maybe, just maybe…