Last night found me. Lisa and I had the pleasure of sharing ourselves with a small group of 50 friends at the most beautiful home in Calgary. I had just resurfaced from a darker spot, and as much as smaller crowds normally unnerve me so greatly that I avoid them at all costs, I knew that tonight was about moving through my fears rather than avoiding them. So I sang. I sang less than I ever have. I felt more than I ever knew. I received love like I knew how. At the end of possibly the most important performance I will ever know, I sobbed. I sobbed harder than hard. I let strangers console me and we all cried together in a moment that not only made me feel better, it also made me better. I don’t write or sing or entertain for any other reason than this. Emotional freedom. I have always said that the biggest gift I have ever been given as a musician is the gift of a spectators tears, but I never realized that this was also the greatest gift I could give them too. I don’t know why, or how, or when, but I have full conviction in my soul that I was born to do this and I will and I already am. Looking back over the best/worst year of my life, the only thing I would tell myself is to hang on, because after all of the struggle, it’s night’s like these that make all of the pain not only makes sense, but makes someone, anyone, feel. If this is all I have it is enough because I am enough.
Tip of the Day: “The next time you don’t know how to handle a compliment, put it on your shelf and tuck it away for a gloomy day. The next time you forget your worth it’s always there waiting to remind you you’re doing more than ok.” -Lisa Jacobs-
I speak to myself in the most disgusting and demeaning ways some days. Most days, actually. After a recent snowboarding accident I was gifted with the time to rest and recover but my mind fought the whole way down and the whole way up. Everything I had busied myself to ignore had nowhere to hide now, and so I was pushed. Deep. Deeper than I would have liked, or have ever had a reason to go before. So here I am; far from the shallow end; a little more found and even more lost. Who knew that breaking your ass would allow you the space to uncover an equally broken soul!? My heart is resilient; achy and raw but hopeful and sprawling. My soul, however, is filled so full with paranoia that there’s not much room for anything else. I thought I was open, I thought I was happy, I thought and I thought and I thought and I motherfucking thought some more. Where did I end up? So alone. So alone that not even my closest could come close enough to make a dent. Until they did. Like an army of self believers they broke down my door, my walls, my delusions, my fears. I couldn’t fight them anymore, and I definitley couldn’t fight myself. All I could do was stop. Stop. STOP. Stop beating myself up for nothing and for everything, stop blaming myself for nothing and for everything and start loving myself for nothing and for everything, because….???? Because the ones that don’t deserve love the least are the ones that need it the most. The moral of my story is don’t hurl yourself off the side of a mountain unless you have substantial ass padding, and don’t go soul searching unless you’re ready to find you’re own little army behind you. They are there, if you let them be.
Daily Tip, (from my good friend Bus Boy): Drink 5 glasses of water consecutively the next time you’re stuck inside yourself. LIFE FORCE is yours.
"Tonight" from the movie Dear Santa! Dropping on Itunes soon!
Why am I a songwriter? I ask myself this question every other day. Do I do it because I’m good at it? What makes me good at it? What I keep coming back to is myself, this is why I do it. A wise friend of mine gave me the greatest advice of my life today as I was pondering what must have seemed like a catastrophic decision, (a tad dramatic). She turned to me, and with words that welcomed, she whispered, “The best thing you can do for anyone else is work on yourself”. This has been the best/worst year of my life. Growth. Change. Loss. Gain. But most of all, an exhausting battle back and forth between self loathe and self love. I have my addictions I’m learning, many ways to cope with the parameters of my personalities. My biggest hurdle changes moment to moment, but the reality of right now is that I’m jumping, maybe not landing where I wanted to or where I thought I should be, but I’m here, letting my feet go and hoping my heart will follow. So this is why I’m a writer, because in the midst of my own darkness, when I do find a flicker of light to lead me through, maybe someone will find solace in my shadow and we can jump together.
-I’ll say I’m fine but I am my shadiest alibi, struggling out of every minute”
- New song, “Open Wide”.
Photo credit: Lauren Brooke Sanchez
I spent last night with the most amazing family. I was headed into my friends studio to lay down a new track, with all of my deadly expectations at my feet. I came in with a sturdy mind and a timeline I was determined to find, hoping to lay down 2 songs in one day. Just as soon as I built this all up in my mind, I stepped through the door of his home and all of my plans floated away into the eyes of this producer’s family. I yearn for family. A place to be accepted, and heard, and loved. I found it yesterday. I was sitting inside this magical moment, having the opportunity to share myself in the most intimate way I know. Music. So I sang, and Lisa played, and Leo beatboxed until we all had tears in our eyes and butterflies in our hearts. This family has just reminded me that through conversation, and a home cooked meal, and the willingness to listen anything is possible. I couldn’t be more grateful.
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye” -Antoine De Sainte-Exupery”
It has been quite a while since I had a blog on the go, does it ever feel good to be back. As some of the fans might remember, I enjoy over-sharing far too personal information that tend to have nothing to do with my music. This theme shall carry over!! It has been the best/worst summer of my life, just how I like it. I had planned to be in LA for the entire summer finishing my album, but such is life, things changed. My old band decided to go their separate ways which left me lost for a touch of time…. But here I am, playing more shows than I ever have, writing more songs than I have in my head and meeting more people than I could ever dream of. You can find me Live every Wednesday at Classic Jacks (9pm) and all over Calgary gigging, laughing and acting like the child that I am, alongside my best friend Lisa Jacobs on bass/guitar/piano and, from time to time, Leo Cabanal on the beat box. Thanks for your patience, I know that a lot of people are disappointed that I can no longer share my LA music, but I am busy trying to get things together for a new EP. More soul, my heart break, more hope, more me. It’s gonna be the best/best year EVER. Much, much love.